I often feel suicidal, I have had depression and complex PTSD for most of my life, so it’s pretty much a given I would get these feeling.
But most of the time they are just thoughts of escaping the pain, wanting to disappear; you know you’re not going to do it but you just want it to all go away.
And then there are the times you cross the line, where suicide seems like a simple solution to a simple problem. Of course none of that is true but somehow your mind switches and you are no longer in your body. It’s like you are so disconnected to what you are doing or planning that it feels like an everyday task.
Like going to but a new light bulb because yours has just blown.
Out of the thousands of times I’ve had thoughts of ending my life, I have only felt like I’ve been in this danger zone twice.
For anyone who has never been to this place it’s so easy to judge, to think that it’s selfish to take your life to end your pain but it’s so far from the truth.
The truth is these people have been so strong for so long that it’s not surprising they can get pushed into this place.
There isn’t much help out there and not many people take you serious when you ask for help. Trust me I know.
The first time I tried to commit suicide, my ex took my baby and told me I would never see her again (we lived in Newcastle and he took her to York). Five hours later after he called me and could tell I had taken something he came home.
By that time I had passed out and had to go to hospital, where I was left in a room by myself for hours, left confused, in and out of consciousness and very scared.
Of course after this everyone was concerned about me (well almost everyone, I did have a few people telling me how selfish I was and how could I put my family through that).
Everyone begged me to tell them if I ever feel like that again. Because I care about my family and friends I did just that. Unfortunately I have never once had anyone show that they care.
Most of the time I get told to stop being an attention seeker, that I’ll be fine and even sometimes to “just go do it” The doctors (who no fault of their own) take ages to get you the help you need because of the limited ressourses they have.
So what do you do when you get so bad you just want it all to end and no one has the time to help or just be with you?
How do you cope when you feel so dissociated from yourself that you feel like you have no other choice? You have asked for help and you don’t get any, when you feel like the longest person in the world and it feels like no one cares.
When everyone is too busy to come and help you right then when you need it. When other things take priority or people just don’t think you will go through with it.
You don’t think straight, you think it all means that they don’t want you here and it wouldn’t matter if you did it.
And for all the lost souls who went ahead, I know there will be hundreds of people who would have wished they had just told them how bad they were, so they could be there for them.
So you see when you ignore someone’s cries for help, how can you say they are selfish. These beautiful people have been left to try and handle their mental health by themselves.
And most of the time they have done it for years, it feels like hell.
Every person who has every taken their life or feels like they want to, I have so much love for you.
You are the bravest people on this planet, to get through even just one day with mental health issues is an achievement. And when you don’t make it another day, it’s never your fault; you did your best in a world that doesn’t understand.
You matter, you always will.
These people are not selfish, they are lost. In fact they feel like everyone would be better off without them, they are definitely not thinking about themselves.
So if anyone ever mentions that they feel suicidal please take it serious, take it as serious as someone having a heart attack because you could save someone’s life.
It sometimes only take one small thing to push some to suicide, don’t just say you will be there, DO IT!!
Suicide is one of the biggest killers and is only increasing; we can beat this if we all stop judging and take it more serious. I have lost a lot of friend’s thorough suicide and I dedicate this post to them.
I will always love you.
(if you need help please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (UK)