For what feels like most of my life I have blamed myself for everything that has happened to me. Especially after discovering The Law of Attraction. While for some this may feel revolutionary, for me it just made me feel worse.
You see having this attitude that everything that happens to you is simply because of the way you think and feel, is dangerous for people who have experienced trauma, especially trauma in childhood. Not only do they have to live with the trauma, they now think that it was somehow their fault.
This is utter BULLSHIT!!!
I get it, when you are a fully grown adult of course you can learn to see things in a different light, shrug things off and have an attitude of gratitude. The problem is, when you are a child going through traumatic things, you can’t.
The way you think or feel as a child is never the reason someone has abused you, IT’S ALWAYS THEM!!
It breaks my heart to think for so long I have blamed myself, feeling like I must have done something really bad to go through the abuse I did.
What the fuck did I do to attract that kind of shit into my life??
No amount of positive thinking or vision boards would change anything in my life, which left me feeling even shitter than before. I couldn’t understand why none of that stuff worked on me, until now.
It all changed when I discovering I had PTSD and how what happened to my actually changed who I am and how I react to the world. I always thought that PTSD only happened to people from the war, I didn’t even think it could affect someone like me.
I was made to believe that what I went through, the violence, the shouting, the neglect, was just normal and I had no right to feel hurt about it.
Trying to forgive my parents for what they did just didn’t work. I have developed coping mechanisms to protect myself that no amount of forgiveness could change. They are so embedded in me that I just thought they were who I am, I felt like I was crazy for the way things affected me and how I am so scared of life.
I got so wrapped up in thinking I had somehow attracted this abuse that I never really held the people who did this to me accountable.
They got away with it.
I let my inner child down, the little girl who made the decision that when she grows up she will be brave enough to walk away, and to never let them hurt her again. The little girl who believed that one day she will be free from their oppression.
But it didn’t happen and now that little girl is in her 30s and I’m only just realising how bad it was and even though I’m an adult now, with my own children, they still control me.
All the bullying and all the beatings still control everything I do today. I may not be trapped in a house with them, like I was as a child but I’m trapped by the memories, flashbacks, depression, anxiety and the low self-esteem I’m left with from the years and years of abuse.
And yet I let them continue to be part of my life, even though my dad still drinks and is still very aggressive, I had even let my daughter go on holiday with them. Looking back I see I was still a scared little girl, desperately looking for my parent’s approval. Letting them talk to me and treat me how they want, so I could just get them to like me.
All I ever wanted was to hear them say they are proud of me
and that I am a good person but that will never come because they have never changed, I just fooled myself into thinking they had.
I now know that the best thing for me to do is focus on healing myself from these deep wounds and that fact that it means there will be distance between us is just how it has to be.
I want my children to grow up knowing they are loved, knowing that abuse is NEVER OK and they don’t have to put up with it, EVER. I also desperately need to heal for their sake because if I’m not happy, how can they be?!